Publisher's Letter: Good, Bad, and Plain Old Parents

by Laura Matanah

“Every time someone calls me a good parent, I cringe,” I said to a friend recently. When our daughter says, “I think gay people make better parents because they value family more,” I’m never sure how to react. But I have to admit, I felt briefly excited when I saw a headline implying that same sex parents make better adoptive parents. Finally, I thought, a study about LGBT-headed families formed through adoption! And the results must have been good!

Well, it turns out the results are … that we adopt. We adopt more older kids, more special needs kids, and more kids from foster care than opposite-sex parents. Since most U.S. states have waiting lists for kids in these categories, it’s a good thing we’re here. And, in case you haven’t been following the news, the reason there was an article about gay parents being good adoptive parents is that our right to form families and raise children is the latest political football game. (If you want to play for our team, get involved at Family Equality Council: Every Child Deserves a Family.)

(Political football. I kind of like the idea of Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum and Family Equality Council Executive Director Jen Chrisler matched up against each other in Madden NFL 12. I have no doubt Jen is the better tactician. She’d make longer runs and complete more passes. The thought takes me back to when our son was in elementary school and got his first football video game. He would make me the quarterback and our team always won. It was a highly satisfying fantasy for us both.)

But back to reality: I do think we’ll “win.” We’ll be able to form legally recognized families, raise children, and receive the same benefits and protections as everyone else. And I don’t think anyone else will lose. I believe stable, loving families benefit us all, and that eventually most of us in America will agree. However, I anticipate some miserable battles in the meantime.

But what do we want to say about ourselves as parents? Do we want to be “the best”? I don’t. I’ve seen my kids shine and I’ve seen them struggle. Much of what comes out of their mouths makes me proud. Sometimes, though, I’m shocked. I’d wonder who’d raised them if I didn’t already know it was us.

So when someone says I’m a good parent, I take it with a grain of salt. If someone implies I’m a bad parent, I try to do the same. I’d prefer to get rid of the categories altogether. I think what matters is that we stick by our kids and our families and do the best we can, and acknowledge the good and the bad as we go along. Just like anyone else with kids, regardless of sexual orientation or how our families were formed, I’m a parent. I’ve got the gray hairs to prove it.

To read a related, funny story about a family caught up in a “best parenting” competition, visit Keeping Score on Rainbow Riot.