What Does Marriage Mean to My Family?

by Marina Gatto

(Marina speaking at a rally)

"Kids have always asked me why my moms can't get married. Or if they are married, how come they don't have rights? I have had to grow up explaining to people that laws that discriminate against LGBT people don't allow my parents and my family the rights that we desperately need and deserve."

Like the parents of most of my friends from school, my parents are married. Unlike most of my friends’ parents, my parents don't have the legal rights that marriage brings. I have two moms, and the one and only reason that my moms are denied equal rights is because they are a same-sex couple.

Millions of kids across this country have lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender parents just as I do. All the states in this country except for one currently do not allow same-sex couples to get legally married. As a result many LGBT couples choose to have religious marriage ceremonies or commitment ceremonies. These ceremonies are lovely, symbolic, and important, but they provide no legal rights.

Currently the only state that provides LGBT people the opportunity to legally marry is Massachusetts. Next to Massachusetts, Vermont is next in giving LGBT people legal rights by recognizing civil unions. Unfortunately neither the legal marriages in Massachusetts nor the civil unions in Vermont give LGBT couples and their families the 1,038 federal rights that marriage provides. Those federal rights are vital to our families. They provide legal rights, responsibilities, and protections that every family needs and that all families are entitled to. Those federal rights are not given to LGBT couples and their families, and that must change.

Since I was very little, I have always been proud of my moms. My moms are beautiful, silly, and fun, and all my friends think that they are cool. Kids have always asked me why my moms can't get married. Or if they are married, how come they don't have rights? I have had to grow up explaining to people that laws that discriminate against LGBT people don't allow my parents and my family the rights that we desperately need and deserve. Though it isn't always easy, in educating people about our families and in giving a face to people who are affected by the lack of equality, we are helping to change the world one person at a time. We are teaching others why equality is important. We are showing them that we as families are no different from them; therefore we deserve nothing less than they do.

My moms were legally married in San Francisco in February 2004. It was one of the happiest and most exciting days of my life, standing next to my moms under the rotunda of San Francisco City Hall and hearing them declared "legally married." Sadly it was only eight months later when the courts invalidated my parents’ marriage. The decision as to whether same-sex couples will be able to legally marry is currently in the hands of the California Supreme Court.

I am confident that it is only a matter of time before LGBT people are given rights. However, every single day that our families don't have rights is one day longer than we should have to wait and one day more that families are suffering without equality. My moms are no less a loving and committed couple, and we are no less a committed and loving family because they cannot be legally married. However marriage is still very important to my family, just as it is to every other family. It is still something that we need to fight for and something that we need to continue to educate people about.

What can we as kids do to be a part of helping make equality possible? First of all, never underestimate the difference that you can make as just one kid! Your voice can be the one that helps others understand this issue. I was only fourteen years old and then seventeen years old when I helped California legislators understand the importance of passing key legislation that provided our community with vitally needed rights. The impact we can have as youth and the differences we can make can be huge. Here are a few ways that kids can get involved.

Try writing to editors of newspapers in your area and explain why marriage is important to you and your family. You might be surprised to see how many people are reached through newspapers and how many people will read your point of view. People you don't know who might happen to read the newspaper and who might never have had the opportunity otherwise to hear a child's point of view on the subject might be touched and educated. Oftentimes people will write back to the paper and weigh in with their thoughts. A dialogue is opened up wherein people in your local community find themselves in the middle of an issue that they might normally not have been willing to get involved in or to hear about. Reading about how this issue affects the child of a family is the most effective way for people to understand that the lack of equality affects everyone.

You can talk to your class, to your teachers, and to your schools about this issue, teaching them that there are families in their own school who are living without the basic rights that others take for granted. If you aren't comfortable speaking to your class, guest youth speakers can come in and talk to your class about their experiences and their lives. Through COLAGE (Children Of Lesbians And Gays Everywhere) I have been a guest speaker at elementary schools, middle schools, junior high and high schools, colleges, and conferences of educators. Directly hearing from another youth is one of the most effective ways for youth to understand this issue. You can also become a speaker yourself. Contact your local COLAGE chapter, and find out how to get involved.

There are also statewide and national organizations that deal specifically with marriage equality. Many states are working to fight against constitutional amendments that may be currently in place in their state or are to be voted on. Contact those organizations, and find out how your family can get involved. Again, our best weapon in fighting against ignorance is education. People fear what they do not understand. The more people we reach and the more people who learn about our families, the less likely people will support discrimination. When we give our support to Freedom to Marry and organizations that are fighting against marriage discrimination, we are joining together with other people and families in this same fight.

You can also meet with or write letters to your local community, county, and state representatives. Explain to them how you as a member of their community are personally affected by the lack of equality. When leaders fully understand how the children and families in their own communities are suffering, and the difference that they as leaders can and should make in standing up for every member of their community, how can they not be affected? The issue becomes personal and local. That is often when they realize for the first time that this is an issue that does in fact affect them and their own community. Find out who your local and statewide leaders are. Make a point of contacting them and letting them hear your voice, your story, and how you need them to lead for you and your family too! We as families are part of this society, and it's up to us to let people know that we exist and to help them learn how wrong discrimination against our families is!

Remember, for every person you educate, the world is a better place, and we are one step closer to equality. Knowledge, like hate, is spread. When you educate a person on the subject, they will in turn continue to educate others. That knowledge continues to get passed on. However you choose to get involved, just remember that everyone can make a difference. Though it's hard to see the impact you are having, remember that it only takes one person to change the world!

Marina and her moms at the 2006 Pride Parade in Miami.