Pick-a-Pair-o'-Parents

by Kim Gerber

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Jake wanted new parents. He was sure that any parents had to be better than his own. Danielle Dutton’s mom was better at baseball. Cole Cooper’s dad made great double-dip sundaes. No one could possibly shoot more baskets than Nick Nelson’s dad. Even Kace Kincade’s mom, who wasn’t very handy, had built the biggest skateboard ramp in town. Jake’s parents didn’t do anything cool. They couldn’t build stuff, they only made healthy food, they never let him stay up late, and they definitely couldn’t hit a baseball! But his need for new parents finally exploded when Billy Burk teased him in front of the entire carpool line about having two dads. Billy said it was weird. Normal kids don’t have two dads. But when Jake told his dad and papa, they said not to listen. They said everyone’s family is different. But Jake wasn’t convinced. He wanted new parents.

One morning, Jake and Nick headed over to Cole’s house to play Superheroes. Cole had a fort and a trampoline that could launch superheroes into flight, with a fairly good chance of reaching the moon.

With capes tucked snuggly into backpacks, they headed out. As they rounded the corner by Hopps Hardware, Jake stopped.

“Let’s take the alley.”

Nick stared at him as if he had two heads. “Are you crazy?”

“Ah, come on. We’ll get to Cole’s so much faster!”

“Your dads would take away everything from you if they found out you took the alley. You know they think it’s dangerous.

Jake rolled his eyes. “They just think it’s dangerous because Mr. Carter told them a rat bit him on the ankle when he was locking up the back door of the store. Once.”

“Well, whatever the reason, if they found out you took the alley, you’d be kissing your video games good-bye.”

Jake looked carefully at Nick. “You’re just scared!”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

Nick looked up and down the street. Jake already had one foot into the alley.

“Come on.” Jake pleaded.

Nick chewed on his lower lip and looked at the ground.

“Oh all right. But if we get caught, you’re giving me your scooter. For good.”

Jake rolled his eyes and stepped into the alley. “Okay, fine—’cause we’re not gonna get caught.”

As they walked through the alley, the thick heat gave way to eerie coolness and dark shadows. Behind a rusty old dumpster a thin sliver of light shimmered, lighting up the darkness. The boys looked questioningly at each other.

“What do you think that is?” Jake whispered.

Nick shrugged. “Beats me.”

“Let’s find out. Help me push the dumpster over.”

Nick shook his head. “Let’s just get out of here. The longer we’re in here, the better our chances are of getting caught.”

Jake ignored his friend and gave the dumpster a shove. It rolled easily aside, uncovering a small passage cut into the wall. Jake’s eyes bulged with excitement, and Nick couldn’t help but lean in to take a closer look.

“Where do you think it goes?” Nick asked.

“I don’t know,” Jake said eagerly. “Let’s go in and check it out.”

Nick stared at Jake.

“You know you want to,” Jake whispered, staring back.

Nick took a deep breath and nodded.

Jake turned and led the way, as Nick followed cautiously behind him. They crept quietly down the winding, narrow passage. Goose bumps pricked their skin as a faint buzzing began to echo throughout the passage. The boys quickened their pace and soon burst into a perfectly square room. The buzzing was louder here. The boys stood staring at their surroundings. Brilliant silver walls surrounded the cold, almost hospital-like room. The floor, a chilled marble, squeaked beneath their sneakers. The buzzing was coming from the only object in the room: a towering, bulky machine covered with what looked to be hundreds of knobs and dials. In the center of the machine was an enormous television screen.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the screen popped on, displaying an old woman with a sweet smile. Her coarse gray hair, flecked with black, was twirled neatly into a bun atop her head. The wrinkled brown skin of her face pulled smooth when she smiled, and her dark eyes glowed brightly below the dusting of pale blue eye shadow. Her neat collar was held tightly together with an ivory pin, reminding Jake of ladies he had seen in his history book.

“Good day,” she said sweetly. “I am Mrs. Misty Magik, but you can call me Nana. All my friends call me Nana.”

“Uh, hello,” Jake mumbled, his eyes darting around fearfully.

“So you are in need of my very special machine,” she said, looking directly at Jake.

“Wha-what does it do?” he stuttered, looking to Nick for help.

“It allows you to pick out new parents, of course,” she answered.

The boys stared at each other, mouths open, eyes bulging.

“Cool,” they said together, nodding their heads in unison.

“Yes, cool,” said Nana sweetly. “You simply turn these knobs and dials to pick out any combination of parents. And when you find a set to your liking, I’ll do a little special thing,” she twiddled her fingers, “and your new parents will be waiting when you return home.”

“But what will you do with my old parents?” asked Jake.

Nana ignored the question. “Ok, now twist the dials, turn the knobs, and your life with new parents will appear on this screen. If you don’t like what you see, simply turn a knob or twist a dial, and you’ll be given another choice. Good luck.”

The screen went black. Jake reached out slowly and turned a knob. Static filled the screen, making the silver walls twinkle around them. He twisted a dial and suddenly his own kitchen appeared on the screen. The boys saw Jake sitting at the table and next to him a pretty lady with an apron tied around her waist, her butter-colored hair tied back loosely with a blue ribbon. She stood in front of the stove, stirring something bubbling and steaming.

A man walked into the kitchen wearing a navy blue suit and a wide smile. His dark hair stuck up goofily in the back. The man walked over to the television version of Jake and ruffled his hair playfully.

“I want to pick them,” whispered Jake excitedly, “they look great.”

But before Nick could respond, the screen changed, and they saw Jake down on his hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor. Sweat dripped from his face. The pretty lady with the butter-colored hair sat at the table, reading a magazine.

The screen changed again. Jake’s backyard. The sky was fading, the sun low and glowing orange. Jake hefted a large rake over his shoulder, scraping leaves into a giant pile. The man in the blue suit hovered over him pointing at all the stray leaves, his wide smile replaced by an annoyed scowl.

“Wow,” muttered Jake. “My dads never make me do chores all day.”

“Why don’t you change the dials?” whispered Nick.

Jake turned some knobs and twisted some dials, and the screen filled once again with static.

After a few more turns, a new image appeared on the screen; this time the TV Jake was standing at the curb in front of school.

A bright red sports car pulled up, and a man wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt smiled at him from the driver’s seat. His large white teeth gleamed dazzlingly. Jake watched himself hop into the car, which sped off.

“Cool,” said Jake with a crooked grin. “He even drives an awesome car. Not like the old beat up ones Dad and Papa drive.”

He watched himself arrive at home, where the man dropped him off and then sped away before Jake could raise his hand to wave.

The screen changed, and they saw Jake sitting at the kitchen table. The windows were now dark, and he was poking his fork at a paper tray containing the remainder of a frozen dinner.

With a flash, the screen changed again, and they saw Jake, his eyes sad and lonely, getting into bed, just as the red car pulled into the driveway. The man got out, came into the house, and plopped himself down in front of the TV. He didn’t come up to see Jake. The screen gave a pop, and static returned.

“No way your dads would leave you alone for that long,” huffed Nick.

Jake nodded slowly. “And they would have come up to say good night.”

The boys sat in front of the television screen, each lost in his own thoughts.

“You know—” started Nick.

“Yeah?” asked Jake readily.

“I actually like your dads.” Nick shrugged.

“But why don’t I have a mom who can build cool skateboard ramps like Kace’s mom?” asked Jake.

“I don’t know, but Kace only gets to see his mom every other week,” answered Nick.

“And why can’t they shoot baskets like your dad?” asked Jake.

Nick shook his head. “I don’t know. But my dad is never able to pick me up from school because he works so much,” he said quietly.

They both sat silently and thought.

“Dad and Papa do read me three chapters before bed,” said Jake.

“And they do make chocolate chip pancakes on Sundays,” added Nick.

Jake grinned. “Yeah, I guess they break the health food rule every once in a while. Plus they hug me at least a thousand times a day. Even when I don’t want them to.”

The boys fell back into silence. Jake began to think that maybe his parents weren’t so bad after all. No parents are perfect. Not even Nick’s.

Suddenly, the static stopped, and Nana reappeared on the screen.

“So,” she asked. “Who did you choose?”

“I think I’ll keep the parents I have,” said Jake. “For now anyway.”

Nana smiled down at them, and with a flash the television screen was dark again. The boys crept back down the passage and into the alley. Back in the comfort of familiar shadows, they breathed a sigh of relief. As they turned back around to push the dumpster in front of the hole, they gasped. The wall was solid. The passage was gone.

That night, Jake sat at the kitchen table with his dad and papa. Laughter filled the room as his dad told his awful Pig in a Blanket joke for the thousandth time. He got yet another hug from his papa for no reason at all. And as he kissed them both good night, Jake knew that there were plenty of kids out there who would give anything to have parents just like his.