Publisher's Letter: Coming Out in Our Families

Stages of Coming Out/Living Life As LGBT

Stages of Coming Out/Living Life As the Child of a LGBT-Headed Family

Hey! I’m different from most other people.

Trans folk are usually aware from early childhood; LGBT folk vary, but generally teens or older.

Hey! My family is different than most other families.

Awareness develops around age 3.

Uh-oh. People (or some people) think that’s a bad thing.

Awareness of homophobia, biphobia, or transphobia picked up from combo of family, religious community, peers, teachers, media— is worse if bias delivered by family members. For many people it feels deeply personal.

Uh-oh. Some people think that’s a bad thing.               

Awareness of homophobia, biphobia, or transphobia picked up from combo of family, teachers, religious community, peers, media. Adults can (to a degree) proactively prepare their kids, or it can catch kids totally by surprise. It’s tough for kids when it catches them by surprise, happens at older ages when kids are unprepared, and/or if the bias comes from trusted or respected peers or adults. It’s also hard when parents or caregivers don’t come out to their own children. It may or may not feel deeply personal.

Am I ok? Am I safe?                                                  

If a person comes out as a teen, he/she may wonder, will I be able to find people to date and have the grown-up life I want?                                                                                                                                                                                

Possible feelings of shame, fear, confusion.

Is/are the grown-up/s who care for me safe? Am I safe?

Kids ask themselves questions like, Why don’t grown-ups read stories about or talk about families like mine? Why do kids (and at older ages, grown-ups) ask so many questions? Why do some people say my kind of family is bad for kids?

Possible feelings of shame, fear, confusion.

I wonder if there’s anyone else like me.

Young people find websites, GSAs, community centers, books, movies, and/or TV shows that give them some idea that others have found ways to live something like the life they want to live.

I wonder if there’s anyone else like me.

Young people might get to talk about their questions if the grown-ups who care for them are open to it. They might get to attend community events with other kids from families like theirs if grown-ups take them. They might get to find websites, books, or movies if grown ups share them. As an older child or teen, they may be able to find these things on their own if they need them.

It’s ok to have my sexual or gender orientation. I’ve found people who will accept me for who I am!             

Young people know when and where it is and isn’t safe to come out. They have found healthy ways to deal with people’s reactions to their gender identity and/or sexual orientation.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Over the course of a lifetime, gender identity remains central to identity; sexual orientation plays a varied role in people’s identities.

Over the course of a lifetime, gender identity and sexual orientation affect income, employment, and access to health and human services, among other factors.

It’s ok to have my kind of family! I’ve found people who will accept me for who I am regardless of my family or who accept or affirm my family of origin.

Depending on their ages, families, and communities, sometimes young people have a choice about being out and sometimes they don’t. It’s helpful if grown ups talk through family coming out decisions with them as they enter new situations, especially as they age.Young people have learned to deal with people’s  reactions to their family structure at this stage.

Over the course of a lifetime, one’s family structure of origin may come to play a less significant (and sometimes insignificant) role in identity.

Over the course of a lifetime, the gender identity and sexual orientation of one’s elders affect their income, employment, and access to health and human services, and therefore affect grown kids as they work with their elders on financial, legal, and elder care planning.